Joy in the Journey...

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Didn't know dentist appointments could be profound moments!

One thing I made a conscious choice about was to ignore the ‘get to the doctor right away’. It was against every fiber of my being to rush them off to the doctors (and I'm just a rebel like that). Well, now it’s been almost 5 weeks and let the appointments begin!!! And they’re off!! Whew...in the back of my mind, this is why I wanted to postpone them. One appointment leads to another, etc. To top it off, some things are stabs in the dark, pay your copay, get this Rx and "let’s see". Well, those of you that know me, THAT’S NOT MY STYLE.

So, there have been 2 appts and each of those have led to 3 more. But Tuesday, God stopped me dead in my tracks. I was grumbling. I was frustrated with this trial and error approach. I was frustrated that I already have learned my boys’ responses and see a doctor blow through ‘considering’ their circumstances. NOW, mind you that some of that ‘blow through’ may be because 1 certain little boy CRIES at the sight of a nurse/doctor and we have to move through 2 appointments with each like that. I somehow don’t even hear it. It’s funny. He’s not fighting, just sad.

Still, I was stopped in my grumbling. I had prayed for these appointments, but prayed that they would ‘go well’. I was not looking for God, just his blessing. Tuesday, it never occurred to me that my we wouldn’t get our teeth cleaned at the dentist. I just thought it would be like the other kids...wimpering but manageable. No way! We did manage to get Jacob (braver) to lean back on my lap in the chair and let the dentist LOOK at his teeth. Of course positive peer pressure kicked in and then Jeremiah was right behind (wimpering the whole way). So we get up, get our goodies and I think, sure we’ll come back for the happy gas for any cavities and get our teeth cleaned then.
Um...under estimation!

Here’s how the report-out from the 'teeth counting' went:
Me: Cavities I assume.
Dentist: Yes, you’re right, so they’ll need to go under some anesthesia (I hear laughing gas) and get those taken care of. Unless we get them to give us some xrays next then we’ll get those then too and take care of whatever else is going on.
Me: So how bad are the cavities? I mean i know they probably have never been to the dentist,brushed teeth until the orphanage, but..
Dentist: Oh they have many and in between their teeth too. Jacob has nerve damage in his FRONT teeth and that’s why it’s good that we’ll be in the OR.
Me: OR?
Dentist: Operating Room
Me: (act like you know dummy!): Yes...OR but why not the laughing gas?
Dentist: The laughing gas is just like a glass of wine (laughs).
Me: (thinking: yes...laughing gas would have been good just for this appointment ...OR A GLASS OF WINE AT 7:45am?!)
Dentist: (notices my surprise): Jacob was probably nursed to sleep and Jeremiah was nursed too and once those teeth come in, they have to be brushed...

(the rest trailed off)

I had it...MORE NUGGETS ON MY SONS...they were nursed; even to the point of enough milk to cause TOOTH DECAY! I was not prepared for where that would fit in my radar of a dentist appointment. When you don’t have your child’s past, and then a piece of it is there, you almost don’t know where to put it.

So I said something like: Wow...a little more info on them. thanks.
A side note: I have a love/hate relationship with all dentists and I have with this one too. I left him at one point then called him back in an emergency after Kaylee Ann fell at 2 and her right side of her teeth were shoved up her gums. He met us on a Sunday afternoon and, well, I’ve worked through it since.
Back to the appointment:

We continued with bribery to get Jacob to get xrays laying on me. While we were doing that the dentist pops his head back in and says to the nurse: Waive my OR drs. fee for them since they’re adopted.

WOW. The hand of God. Not because of the $ only, but because of my heart. Just so critical. Just so hard. Just so...not expecting God to move at the dentist.

So I didn’t have the peaceful checkout when the lady was ‘nervous’ that I couldn’t tell her their history for the OR paperwork. Then the nurse comes over and kinda whispers and says...NO ONE KNOWS...SHE CAN’T FIND OUT THIS STUFF. She piped down and I just signed it all ‘unknown’....at each line. And I prayed...and this is what the I remembered...

Lord ...none of it is UNKNOWN TO YOU...

Remember how I’ve said the word that has come to mind often for how I am is ‘glad’?
THEN...I get in the car and the kid’s song playing is: I will rejoice for HE HAS MADE ME GLAD!!
thank YOU Jesus! I had forgotten...YOU HAVE MADE ME GLAD!

The pictures below are when they're home AND PROUD of their loot bags from the dentist. Turned around and headed back up at noon to have Justin's front tooth finished off after chipping it off before we brought the boys home....he wouldn't let me get a picture;) I would post it too! He asked to go get a mouthguard now...how many years have I begged? life's hard lessons...

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Preoccupied or Processing?

so things on the blog front have been a little quiet. It’s intentional. I don’t know why, it’s just that soooo much is going on I can’t begin to put much into words. I don’t mean busyness (although it’s that too), but really so many ‘ranges’ of experiences, adjusting, emotions and places of seeing (and needing) Jesus. I’m not use to this lack of processing but guess what, life still flows. Surprisingly, it actually flows pretty freely. My processing is what ‘binds it up’ nice and neatly. The dilemma comes when I’m not processing before the Lord.

I think we SHOULD process before the Lord. I often would rather process with Andy (hubby), friends (which is good!), and my own head. Now that our ‘life’ is preventing those from happening, I’m realizing how processing before the Lord is not my default MO. It should be, but it takes TIME. Something that is a precious commodity to me. So, I hold back. Instead, I wait for the things that need processing to just go away or resolve themselves. OR...here’s another tactic: I put into overdrive the ways to ‘fix’ my (or others) issues. Neither draw me closer to the Lord.

When we began our adoption journey there were certain themes that seem to keep coming from my time in the Word and with the Lord. One of those was ‘be still and know that I am God’. If you’ve been there, you know that’s no background theme...it’s a center stage, get all the attention type of theme. Ironically, it’s one that just won’t go away. Through various events in our life I feel like the Lord would work on either the ‘be still’ portion or the ‘know that I am God’ portion of this verse (Psalm 46:10). The adoption journey began to piece both of these together. Quickly since the boys have been home and our whole family dynamics are shifting, I’ve seen my tendency (OK, my habit) to forget BOTH portions of this truth. I keep praying to even have a window to ‘be still’ and am reminded what I learned about this.

Being still isn’t always ‘physical’. It’s a matter of my soul too. I can ‘be still’ in the middle of the wildest day here. How? Because my heart (get this now...1st part of verse linked to 2nd part) KNOWS THAT HE IS GOD!!! (NOT ME!!). YES...I’m reminded so often how I can’t be still AND KNOW that God is God if I’m busy trying to ‘figure it all out’. It’s so true. Much more happens when I stand on The Rock (and being still before Him helps me do that!) and grounded in the truth about myself and my circumstances.

We didn’t adopt our sons from Ethiopia out of our goodness of heart. We did it out of our Lord’s favor toward us in Jesus. He showed us, we followed and now we’re in it. I wish more people were. Not because it’s some glamorous and grand experience but because it’s humbling. Humbling to see what we cling to. Humbling to see where we think life is found. Humbling to see where God’s heart really is. Humbling to realize we need Jesus even more. I don’t choose humbling. I choose pride. Jesus chose humbling though that God would get the pride!

I never paid attention to the last part of this verse as I wrestled (God knows I can only handle bit by bit). C’mon...you know it, it’s just visible to me every day now. Follow the order of it with me..."Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"
exalted among the nations...do you know our home has 3 nations in it?! We notice, our kids notice. They realize what they didn’t before about our short-cited view of ‘God’s Kingdom’. God’s not just about our comfortable (or was) family. He wants us to KNOW He is God. WE KNOW!

So I’d like to think God has pulled the curtain back for us to get just a glimpse of Him being exalted. Sometimes we do. It’s hard here. It’s not depressing, it’s actually a lot of fun! It’s just hard to change. But when I can realize a certain Grandmother’s heart in Ethiopia has praised the Lord for Jeremiah having his new family and another mother believes that among the earth you are GOOD to your son, Jacob, GOD IS EXALTED AMONG THE NATIONS! I don’t know why, but others from their home town are dying from this drought and famine. I do know God chose to spare them. When I am still, I know God has chosen to SPARE ME NO LESS! and it’s not on my own merit.

Will you see with me God doesn’t need us? He just wants to invite us and show us...and for us to enJOY that HE IS BEING EXALTED IN ALL THE EARTH!!

Ok...maybe this is too much deviation from my latest 'our family updates', but I mentioned I have to adjust from the adoption journey to our new family here on the blog too. I’m grateful the Lord would use many of YOU to say...keep sharing...it blesses me. Learning to have JOY...as HE is exalted!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Some of you know we ‘stole away’ to Atlantic Beach (never even been) last week. It was a last minute...let’s DO IT! AND ...so glad we did! I don’t know what it was about us ‘trying’ to adjust here at home, but it wasn’t happening. The boys were just...well, they were pretty adjusted! The rest of us were living in a funk. I don’t know that it even looked the same for each of us, but we were not ‘our family’. By the Lord’s mercy, I was able to allow us to be where we were: sometimes bad moods, sometimes bitter, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes blah. Now this wasn’t constant...WE WERE LOVING THE BOYS AND ENJOYING THEM SO MUCH!!! But inside, each of us ‘older schwarzes’ were struggling. I know I was mostly struggling b/c I couldn’t get any!!! time alone and my time with the Lord consisted of toddlers rolling cars over my legs, my bible and bringing me other ‘books’ to read. I gave up. I felt like this season I needed to give them ME.

So, I finally caved that it would be good to get away (as insane as it sounded!!...we weren’t even cooking many meals for ourselves thanks to generous friends!). The ride down stunk, the 1st couple of days were, well ...filled w some grumpies. Surprisingly though, something began to shift. We all let go. We let go of what we were...a family of 5, attention for individuals, late night conversations with older ones, sleep, couple time...whatever we treasured most...we just let go. It wasn’t easy, but something was unfolding. MORE laughter, more BEING, more WAITING, more JOY. I resisted. I wanted to ‘fix’ all that I saw on the outside (i.e. sin) and get it together while we had time to focus. Thankfully, the Lord led me to futility in that and to repentance, that I could see my OWN heart and shortcomings more than everyone elses. It was not pretty, but what the Lord promises to be ‘pretty’ is after being refined.

So, I unplugged last week and imposed it on everyone else (for the most part). It was lovely. It wasn’t even hard. So much so that I resent not being able to keep it that way coming home. We’ll see what comes because some changes have been ‘decided’. Not easy, but intentional. It kinda helps when 2 toddlers won’t look at the TV!! You have to find something all the time.

OH, back to refined. I’m not sure what to make of blogging right now. It’s no longer our ‘adoption journey’. It’s our 'new' family being refined. All because God chose for 2 PRECIOUS (AND THEY ARE!!!) BOYS from Ethiopia to enter our world. What I wasn’t prepared for was us entering theirs. Their world of simplicity, gratefulness and calm. I don’t know why, but I’m drawn. Just like I was drawn to the people when we were in Ethiopia. I miss them. You can’t get a ‘taste’ of it and not want more. We have sooo many blessings but often lack one of the biggest: contentment in Christ. Our sons have had the hand of God on them. Prayers have been answered! I can not begin to recount the ways they are apt to be joyful and offer praise. Now they pray in English (ok: it’s dear God, thank you, we love you) but it’s PRAYER!! Now they can say spontaneously: "I love you! Jesus loves you!" It just thrills my SOUL!! Why? I’m not sure they even know what it means, but they know prayer and love are important. They know it’s important to praise and proclaim. I don’t think we’re ‘doing things well’ if you ask me. I do think JESUS IS THOUGH!! To God be the Glory...great things HE continues to do ...as we ask, wait and hope!!

Stay tuned for some ‘realizations’ from our time away. In the meantime...some pix for fun:)

Our van is not as spacious as it use to be;)

Do you see it? Bursting forth? Just a 'woohoo'!!

We spent earlier ams on the beach with 'the littles' and Aliza it was sweet, but better with coffee first! We'd come home for breakfast and greet 'the olders' and then all head back to the beach until lunch. Then we'd crash;)

There's PLENTY of water!! (reminder to pray for the drought in Africa...and where the boys are from)

Just loved Aliza learning to be a big sister ...of course she was much more confident in what she could handle with them than met the eye...so no 'turning it over' (yet).

This is our late am walk to the beach. Just look how the boys learned so quickly how to get their 'goods' to the beach...African style...on their heads! We never did that to show them!

Love the all hands on deck...

Mealtime....so many new foods to try and they're so proud that they show (and tell) us with each bite! And they should be proud!! There are so many different tastes I realize!

Just had to include this one with the boys getting in on the 'make-over'

So we relegated them to the storage closet..it worked! can't believe they stayed in the packNplays (ok minus 1 night of a straggler found crying and wondering the halls only to meet up w a 9 year straggler doing the same;) all was fine:) sleep walking...