Not blogging, but praying...surprised by what I've found...

I don’t write much lately...but the mulling in my head has been put to good use in prayer:)  I’m glad for that.  Still, I miss writing.  Part of it is I have sooo many thoughts, sooo many experiences lately and such a W-I-D-E range of life that I don’t know where to begin. So I don’t.  I’m just praying. 

Just praying.  Sounds kinda lame ...or it use to.  Here’s what I’ve noticed though.  Praying changes me.  Why? Somewhere in the crux of honesty and desperation lies grace. Not to muster but to receive.  GRACE from God...I’m basking in it afresh, and all of a sudden all around me I see the lack of it. Starting with me.  That’s where I’ll stop too;)  But, needless to say, when you receive it and REALIZE IT, you WANT to give it. 
It’s not something I can even begin to write about.  I just wanted to say ...ahhh...sweet grace...what we’re made for.  It’s the taste of heaven this side of the Fall and this side of heaven. 

Anyways, life here is never dull.  Suffice to say I’m in love with my family.  We’re just not ‘new’ family of 7 anymore.  We’re Schwarz.  Defined by lots of repenting, forgiving and ...grace.  I’m grateful...for many joys and bumps...because the swings and unpredictables keep me needy.  Even that is becoming more familiar.  Not easy, but good. 

I’m in love with the Lord’s heart ...and that draws me back into walking on mission with Him.  We’ll see how that flows.  Feel like the mission is right here in my home, but regardless, it’s real. It’s moving. It’s where I want to be...following my Jesus where HIS heart is...

here are some latest glimpses of the fam...
                                               this has become a norm...just reaching over during dinner and ...ahh...yes...hands and elbows on the table...we will hold hands. we will relish in moments of saying 'i love you' without a word spoken...

 do you see it? this is a BIG SISTER NOW!! it's so fun to see aliza come into her own as the big sis...and love it and them!!

 that's ONE BIG ENERGY BALL JACOB!

 YES...JEREMIAH...that's how we roll it...as you wish...

 wonder where Jacob got his idea from??

 State Fair...we didn't need the rides and had had enough! yea for not knowing otherwise;p

 as close to a ride as we've gotten...

 corn kernal play...

 only my Kaylee Ann girl...

 Making Carmel apples...with the campbell girls...we love 'em! (girls and apples!)

 

 PUMPKIN PAINTING...what are YOU looking at??

 always thrilled...

 slimy messes...including the new paint off the wall in the background...

 decisions....ummm...

 dad...you have to be precise in the cutting...you only get one chance!

 done as you wish...

 We celebrated Orphan Sunday at our church...with tshirts to boot.  WE ARE NO LONGER ORPHANS!!!

 trick or treat? we're having fun just with the costumes...could have probably waited a year on the candy and stretched the excitement factor!

 even Justin joined us...

 our first TREAT!! (thx tracy!!)

 back at our house ...and it's still fun;)

 going thru the loot...

This is good...and it gives me excitement to know the way we 'pulled in' wasn't just us...it was good for all.

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/11/02/how-to-be-the-village

Not quiet but being quiet here...

I’m tired. I think it’s the advent of fall and then winter.  At night (when I use to write), I just want to curl up...with my kids, hubby or bed (or all of the above).  That combined with an ‘unawareness’ of how I wrote before, I’m sorry I’ve just kinda halted.  I find I keep writing here about why I’m not writing...hmmmm.  Funny thing is I have, but not posted as something holds me back.

Still, I wanted to take a few minutes before I curl up with KA and a Project Runway (i hate it by the way)...but we have a lot of fun joking and she LOVE design and fashion so we work through it.  Usually that means I say ‘times up’ and we can stretch an episode out for several times! 

So, what are the rumblings over here?

I’d say since school started and we got into a little ‘groove’ I’ve learned that the ‘spaces’ I thought I’d have are nonexistent.  Period.  I was ‘planning’ these wide spaces starting in late July before Andy was going back to work!  I had mapped out our routine and we were going to stick to it!  Well, enter an unplanned ‘regular commitment’ and the shuttling nightmare all afternoon and well...I’m flying by the seat of my pants.  I don’t like what sacrifices I’m having to make some days for my kiddos, but I’m seeing God’s hand and blessing in them.  So I realize the sacrifice pales in comparison. It’s not easy for me b/c I’m use to CONTROL!  No, I capitalized it just for you to relate, not b/c I have that great of an affinity for it. 

 Justin's birthday pie...SLOPPY JOE PIE!! He got one all for himself;)

 THIS IS MY FAVORITE...I DON'T HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL THEM THEY DON'T HAVE TO EAT THE WHOLE APPLE!!! If I juiced the whole thing would go in!!! MMMGOOD!

 This brotherly love makes me smile...it's gotten to be more and more affection...across the board;)

What’s unfolding though is some settling again into the precious moments of the days.  I don’t know why, but I don’t see those as much when I’m rigid and in CONTROL.  I will say the stresses of ‘being somewhere’ for someone are the boundaries in our days.  I see why parents are ready for a 16 year old to drive now.  I’m there.  It’s kinda crazy.  I mean the ‘hey mom can I...?’ desires of my older 2 are enough to keep me hopping full time (and I say “no” more than “yes” I feel!). 

Mostly, my evening times are filled w conversations from my teen/almost teen.  Either a ‘discussion of sorts’ or just listening w/o the loudness of the littles.  They like to be heard but won’t fight for it...so they wait.  It’s great!!! but also exhausting....wishing I had more friends who had teens before me and had seen this coming!! Funny thing is, I DON’T HAVE TO!! I could go to bed, write, read or say ‘not now’.  I don’t.  That’s where I feel the losing control is good.  It’s happening...family, life lessons, confrontations, conflict and hopefully more grace for us all.  I need it!!

I wish I could tell you of some of these nightly conversations and ‘oh mom/oh dad, today’, but they’re ours.  Just not worth exposing.  Sometimes I’m screaming inside not being able to process these revelations with others, other times I just feel alone.  For the most part, I’m just tired, walking step by step and praying God will do what I can’t...change hearts and make us people after HIS heart and plans! Sometimes I get glimpses...but it’s so dim and that’s good.  It keeps me asking, waiting and longing verses being in control and satisfied.  Content? Yes!  Complete? No...not this side of heaven.
The boys are still doing well!! We’re definitely seeing more ‘waves’ of things we were told to prep for.  Fortunately, they seem to go and come.  When they return, they’re different.  I’m loving they’re enjoyment of life STILL in so much of everything.  I’m do get worn out and zone out, but I’m grateful to be excited with them in their JOY.  It helps ME!

The other kiddos are going strong with school and their fun activities.  Not too much, but enough for me! I’m delighted to say they too seem to look at where we are as the new norm.  It’s amazing to me how they each have their own relationship with the boys and how it is giving me fresh perspective on who they are and how they are and how God is writing their story!  I’m grateful for that.

Andy is still the awesome ‘balance-r’ of it all...He wouldn’t say so.  We are trying to find ‘snippets’ of our time together but it’s not as routine (find a pattern here) as we had.  It’s ok...we’re walking this together and that is God’s design.  I can get in a think it should have a different look to it, but regardless TOGETHER is all God designed...trusting and believing God’s love for us and our family!

My grandaddy died this last week.  He was almost 99.  I think I’ll share more about that soon.  That man led one interesting life!! I got to be there when he opened his eyes and took his last breath.  All I could do was cry and sing, JESUS LOVES ME THIS I KNOW.  That’s where the story begins... and ends, isn't it?!