I thought today about how special I felt this Mother’s Day. I don’t always. It really is not a fair day for my family. I want to think for just 1 day that we could all celebrate my motherhood (therefore their childhood and "husbandhood") as it really is designed to be....perfect:-) Not too high of a bar now is it? Today was perfect. In briefly reflecting on why it felt that way to me I realized a couple things. 1) My ‘who am I’ battles of late have been leading me to rest in undone-ness and 2) I’ve realized as a Mom I get to extend grace and forgiveness (over and over) to wonderful children who sometimes outwardly act the way I inwardly feel. The frustration isn’t over their behavior as much as WHY WON’T SIN GO AWAY?...FAR AWAY?!
First on this identity thing. It never ceases to amaze how people are drawn to TV shows. I love as my kids get older watching what and who they identify with...well sometimes. It’s telling is all I’ll say. If I ‘let’ myself watch TV...I’d be no different. I mostly do movies...I need things tied up. I don’t know why but God has led me to see how many ways I strive to put my identity in so many things and people other than who I really am. I know I’m suppose to identify with Christ, but when I don’t see holiness, I think that’s yet another ‘wrong identity’ attempt. For me it looks like picking out the best things in everyone and thing around me and wanting to claim it for myself. It can be in parenting, in marriage, in homeschooling, in work, in ministry...you name it...anything but where I am. Let’s keep this co-sanctification train moving. There’s not going to be any time left to enjoy the ‘identified me’. hmmm...me...that’s what it screams...all ME!
God has mercifully shown me lately how inadequate I am in most of the areas I recounted before. Why do I say ‘mercifully’? Because it has been true all along and I keep jumping from attempt to opportunity to find adequacy...a place where I’m so ME and loving every minute of it. Friends, HE does have that place for us, but not when we are crafting it. The potter’s hands are always working. I just want to be fired up and put out with a purpose that says I’M DONE. At least that’s how I act. When in His mercy He gently shows me this independence and failed self-adequacy, I’m really on the potter’s wheel again and in the sweet spot I was designed to stay. I don’t know that I ever will learn to stop desiring independence and more of ME. I do know God is faithfully showing me how much of HIM that He desires in ME. That’s my true identity and purpose. He isn’t fretting over me but longing and pursuing. Countless verses of Scripture paint this picture for us, it should be so clear and easy. Still, I think the contention doesn’t lie so much in ‘not getting it right’ as much as how far we are from the potter’s wheel and running away from the safe place of dependence and faith.
I’m reminded in John 3 how content John was to realize his place BESIDE Jesus. He didn’t fret over making sure he was adequate...he KNEW the one to come had that job! Jesus also had the FULL MEASURE (read: UNLIMITED) power of God. John knew to DECREASE was inevitable but also GOOD! Today, inadequacy was good. It reminded me that the Spirit is making motherhood (and the rest of my life) have more room for Him. It really is the ONLY identity that will satisfy...in whatever I do and with whomever I love. Thankfully, HE has clothed ME in that identity through Jesus and HE get’s it right every time.
