lunch date w my girl...

OK...so I have to admit I'm not sure how to 'be' when it comes to getting out alone with one kiddo...I mean we're FAMILY lately...priority #1, self aside, team Schwarz, dying to self, one for all...all for one...you name it...a UNIT!! and I wouldn't trade these last 6 weeks of learning what God has for us as a family.  Still, every once in awhile we get a glimpse of individuals and it's GOOD.  We will get back to more of that.  For now though, it's been FAMILY.  So, we've started talking about dates.  Andy and I have taken 2...1 that didn't last (crying tears of sadness by Aliza) and 1 that lasted (with only the hitch of the boys getting out of their beds for the first time)....but we made it! IT WAS GREAT!

 So now it's time to start talking about how to be one on one again...here and there by chain of events and other times it needs to be intentional.  Today Kaylee Ann asked if we could go for subs for lunch.  To up the anty she had found a COUPON for BOGO!  I love it...she knows my love language.  She won!  We did.  It was a date 1/2 mile from home and short.  But it was long enough to hear her say 'thank you for doing this...i like being with you'...be still my heart.  I didn't know she did with all the pressing in of things.  I did too.  We drive each other crazy with being so opposite...but we delight in who God has made us uniquely.  Somehow of all my kids, she teaches me the most about my weaknesses.... being compassionate, patient, discerning, enjoying moments, spontaneous... the list goes on.  I LOVE THIS GIRL! So in honor of our time...a few snapshots that came from bites of subs around the corner.  Thank you Jesus!

The above pix is my FAVORITE!! IT JUST SAYS 'KAYLEE ANN'...AND BELOW...well my lame attempt to amuse her...it worked;)  Thankful that the bar is LOW!!

May you find moments 'STUFFED' full of seeing Jesus in your relationships;)

He leads me in paths of righteousness...

Home Visit #1

OK...for a multitude of reasons, Tuesday was one of those days I never want to go back to.  I don’t even know why I’m blogging about it except to say that the Lord pulled me through, showed me the cross and set my feet to dancing on the OTHER SIDE of those 24 hours. 

Andy and I often reflect on the ways the Lord has been generous to us on this journey.  He continues to make crooked paths straight and give us eyes to see HIM in the midst.  I don’t know why, but when we do, we’re glad.  The thing is...to see the straight path you often have to REALIZE YOU'RE ON THE CROOKED ONE!! That my friends is my deepest drive every day: to avoid the crooked paths!! They make me squirm, they show me who I really am, they reveal who I’m not and sometimes they cry out shame to me.  What the truth I’m learning to see as these crooked paths arise is that the real cry is a call. It’s a call straight from the Father saying: I’m here and I KNOW IT’S CROOKED!! COME!!
I just am like toddlers (or teens) that numb myself to hearing the ‘come’. 

One of the favorite things I hear Jacob say all the time is: Mommy, I’m comin’!  or Mommy, comin’! (when he means for me to come).  it’s the sweetest phrase.  It means I KNOW YOU WANT ME and the flip side of it is I KNOW YOU’RE THERE!! The sweetness that brings me that my ‘i’m comin’ thru these weeks has resonated with his soul makes me want to RUN and not stall another minute (not my MO).  I want him to believe that a greater one has COME FOR HIM one day.   Right now, I can only point to HIM and try to say in my days ‘I’m here’!

Back to the crooked.  It’s the same thing. I want to hear Jesus say “I’m comin’’ when I’m lost on my crooked path.  But what that takes is knowing I can’t make it ‘straight’.  Knowing I don’t have a way to that path.  Jacob knows that.  He knows He needs me to ‘come’ or needs me to know he’s comin’ (b/c in a kid’s eyes it’s all vice versa too). 


So what happened Tuesday? It was our first Home Visit by this new Social Worker. I lost sight of knowing Jesus was ‘comin’ or even already here.  I could only see what I fall short in and how my life doesn’t even measure up to my expectations (and then you could add in everyone elses).  You know...crooked.  Having to meet with a new social worker in the middle of this process was not my idea of a fun way to spend the afternoon.  I guess some things don’t change...my rebel heart as Andy says.  Why wouldn’t she just send me the million questions and then ask me anything she has a question about on a short and sweet visit to our home?  I was missing our SW we were connected with...that helped us get onto this journey.  This woman was a stranger asking me everything from their poop schedule to our family dynamics.  I though ‘c’mon...you tell me what you want to hear...what are you after here’?  I know...all for the sake of protection for our kids, but I wasn’t feeling it.  So after the final, let me take a tour around your home (which condemned me even more) I finally said bye and tried to process why I was so upset.  It didn’t take long to realize I didn’t want her in our business.  Yes Cindy, that’s why she came.  To be in your business.  But here’s why it bugged me.  She can’t do anything but stand and take account of the ins and outs.  Write it down, write a report and then do it all again a few more times.  There’s no freedom if I’m accountable or reporting to her.  But we’re not.  I lost sight of that.  I forgot my freedom in Christ.  I forgot that it’s ok to have crooked paths.  I wasn’t going to lie to her, but I felt like I was suppose to have it all together...a very big lie I believed for much of my life.  Thankfully, Jesus has showed me more.  Not to excuse the waywardness, but to know HE alone can cover it and make it what it needs to be. 

It wasn’t a good day for anyone around here.  Aliza was worried she was going to take the boys if she said the wrong thing (i learned that later), Kaylee Ann wanted to be alone, Justin was sad he didn’t get to go to KD with his buds (b/c we all HAD to be there) and Andy...well as usual, had to deal with an underfunctioning and overreacting ME! the boys...they’re not so good with strangers.  we think they wonder if they’ll be taken away.  we don’t know...they won’t tell us;) she wondered about their english b/c they wouldn’t answer here.  PA..LEASE...
no m’aam...they don’t speak English.  Could you speak Amharic in 6 weeks? would you talk to every stranger if you lived in Africa for 6 weeks?  OK...don’t get me going.  And she kept asking about their medical records and results...like the cooties they had were going to infect her.  I thought about letting them drink out of her glass of water about then;) ...oh the assumptions...

OK...maybe we’ve been walking this road a little longer now and it’s 2nd nature. I can’t see the difference.  I do know that I’m excited that quickly I have this ‘mommy guard’ for all of my kids. I know it’s a gift from the Lord.  I’m not excusing sin or misplaced behaviors, but you try having your life turned upside down and having it put back together in 6 weeks and be able to say: I’D DO IT ALL AGAIN...and maybe we will!?  THERE’S A FULLNESS THAT’S FOUND WHEN WE WALK THE CROOKED PATHS...because the next step is all we need to be made straight...the next step has been good.  I just lost sight of that on Tuesday.

The Gospel brought me back to the most crooked path ever walked...the one by my perfect Savior for me. It was on the cross that the crooked was and will always be made straight...for eternity!

Don’t miss ya Tuesday, but thanks for walking me to the cross.... I’m comin’!

Psalm 17:5 ESV
My steps have held fast to your paths; my feet have not slipped.

Psalm 23:3 ESV
He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness

Richness of Grace...

RICHNESS...
wealthy
plentiful, abundant


My boys (i could write about that alone all day!).  I picked this pix (don't tell Justin) b/c it just is a glimpse to me of how the Father is always 'fielding' the balls and we stand back and wonder "is he gonna get this one or not?"  I don't know about you, but I like the 'safety net' in my life to protect me.  Just like in this picture, there's always a 'safety net', but it's not only to protect us, it's for us to stand back and watch.  Sometimes we're 'batting', sometimes we're watching.  Right now I'm watching and batting;) Regardless the pitches are not meant to harm us but strengthen us and point us to HIM.  RICH!

I’m not sure why this word has been on my mind.  Actually I do know the Lord is working some things out that I can’t share here.  I think it’s related to eternal treasures, but I know too it’s about an abundance in our life right now when I expected total deprivation.  I have no idea why but the Lord has been ABUNDANTLY GRACIOUS TO US in our transition home.  Don’t get me wrong...we’ve had our moments, days and even weeks, but overall, I SENSE ABUNDANT GRACE!!

I mentioned is ‘richness’.  If I think about this word it speaks of an overflow, abundance or ‘over and beyond’ to me.  Of course we (I) always think of ‘richness’ in terms of wealth.  These last few months and especially weeks though have shifted my thinking there.  The word ‘rich’ is used in many ways in Scripture.  I’ve gone back to it.  What amazes me is how quickly ‘riches’ can come and go AND are from the Lord’s hand.  I don’t know about you, but security is important to me.  When I realize my ‘riches’ can be blown away tomorrow at a word from my Lord, I tremble.  I know it’s true, but don’t live like it.  I cling.  So why is this ‘richness’ on my heart?? I think it’s because the Lord is showing me a taste of the riches that aren’t going to be blown away tomorrow...they will be treasured forever.  The riches I’m witnessing each day as our family is undergoing such a ‘shift’ is amazing. 

The ‘riches’ are in hearts, laughter and sudden bursts of singing.  I don’t get it.  It’s HARD sometimes (and will get to be more so), but there’s a refreshing fullness in the hard.  Each and every one of us under this roof has had to have our hands PRYED open to let go of certain things/desires/expectations.  That’s not new to any of us, but it’s an ‘all of a sudden’ when you bring in 2 toddler boys from Africa.  It just is. 

So why ‘RICH’? I think it’s because I’m seeing so much how WE’RE NOT ALONE!! I can’t begin to blog enough, be still enough, journal enough to process our days.  I can begin to ask briefly for ‘eyes to see Jesus’ and HE’S HERE!  I don’t know why I have to ask, but I do.  I don’t see ‘naturally’.  But that’s where there’s richness...the ‘hard’ drives us to HIM and He reveals HIMSELF in the midst. 

Honestly, sometimes when my precious husband finishes listening to my ‘whines’ and then says ‘let’s pray’, I moan.  Yes.  I’VE DREAMED OF HAVING MY HUSBAND SAY THOSE WORDS...but ‘in it’..no.  Let’s talk proactive praying and I’d be on it, but IN IT...ummm....I want sympathy, fix it and blame shifting.  So, in it praying...Thank you Jesus.  I see you.  I submit and there He is.  Nothing has changed but my heart is submitted.  I think that’s a richness that can’t be measured.

So friends, I’m grateful for your prayers for the Lord to meet us!! HE IS.  It’s not always as I’d like, but He’s doing something new.  I think riches don’t get old...it’s always something new.  I’m glad these riches we’re part of storing up right now are eternal because there’s no place in my heart or our bank account to put this much trust. 

Don’t be surprised if you ask me ‘how we’re doing’ if I look at you with a blank stare.  I don’t really know.  I just know we’re ‘doing’.  Frankly, right now that’s enough.  AND IT’S RICH!!! I venture to guess many of you are ‘just doing’ too.  I challenge you to rest in that even.  It’s enough when it’s submitted to the Lord.  May you too find JOY on your journey today as you see Jesus in ways you weren’t/aren’t looking for HIM. 


p.s. If you’re up for praying we have our first ‘home visit’ with a social worker that’s never even met us. It will be for hours and I’m not ‘worried’ but it will dig up much;) I realize in those moments how God’s made my heart as a mom for these boys and our family.  Not everyone knows what God has given us is to be handled preciously.

(ESV) 23 This is what the LORD says: "Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, 24 but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the LORD."