Home Visit #1
OK...for a multitude of reasons, Tuesday was one of those days I never want to go back to. I don’t even know why I’m blogging about it except to say that the Lord pulled me through, showed me the cross and set my feet to dancing on the OTHER SIDE of those 24 hours.
Andy and I often reflect on the ways the Lord has been generous to us on this journey. He continues to make crooked paths straight and give us eyes to see HIM in the midst. I don’t know why, but when we do, we’re glad. The thing is...to see the straight path you often have to REALIZE YOU'RE ON THE CROOKED ONE!! That my friends is my deepest drive every day: to avoid the crooked paths!! They make me squirm, they show me who I really am, they reveal who I’m not and sometimes they cry out shame to me. What the truth I’m learning to see as these crooked paths arise is that the real cry is a call. It’s a call straight from the Father saying: I’m here and I KNOW IT’S CROOKED!! COME!!
I just am like toddlers (or teens) that numb myself to hearing the ‘come’.
One of the favorite things I hear Jacob say all the time is: Mommy, I’m comin’! or Mommy, comin’! (when he means for me to come). it’s the sweetest phrase. It means I KNOW YOU WANT ME and the flip side of it is I KNOW YOU’RE THERE!! The sweetness that brings me that my ‘i’m comin’ thru these weeks has resonated with his soul makes me want to RUN and not stall another minute (not my MO). I want him to believe that a greater one has COME FOR HIM one day. Right now, I can only point to HIM and try to say in my days ‘I’m here’!
Back to the crooked. It’s the same thing. I want to hear Jesus say “I’m comin’’ when I’m lost on my crooked path. But what that takes is knowing I can’t make it ‘straight’. Knowing I don’t have a way to that path. Jacob knows that. He knows He needs me to ‘come’ or needs me to know he’s comin’ (b/c in a kid’s eyes it’s all vice versa too).
So what happened Tuesday? It was our first Home Visit by this new Social Worker. I lost sight of knowing Jesus was ‘comin’ or even already here. I could only see what I fall short in and how my life doesn’t even measure up to my expectations (and then you could add in everyone elses). You know...crooked. Having to meet with a new social worker in the middle of this process was not my idea of a fun way to spend the afternoon. I guess some things don’t change...my rebel heart as Andy says. Why wouldn’t she just send me the million questions and then ask me anything she has a question about on a short and sweet visit to our home? I was missing our SW we were connected with...that helped us get onto this journey. This woman was a stranger asking me everything from their poop schedule to our family dynamics. I though ‘c’mon...you tell me what you want to hear...what are you after here’? I know...all for the sake of protection for our kids, but I wasn’t feeling it. So after the final, let me take a tour around your home (which condemned me even more) I finally said bye and tried to process why I was so upset. It didn’t take long to realize I didn’t want her in our business. Yes Cindy, that’s why she came. To be in your business. But here’s why it bugged me. She can’t do anything but stand and take account of the ins and outs. Write it down, write a report and then do it all again a few more times. There’s no freedom if I’m accountable or reporting to her. But we’re not. I lost sight of that. I forgot my freedom in Christ. I forgot that it’s ok to have crooked paths. I wasn’t going to lie to her, but I felt like I was suppose to have it all together...a very big lie I believed for much of my life. Thankfully, Jesus has showed me more. Not to excuse the waywardness, but to know HE alone can cover it and make it what it needs to be.
It wasn’t a good day for anyone around here. Aliza was worried she was going to take the boys if she said the wrong thing (i learned that later), Kaylee Ann wanted to be alone, Justin was sad he didn’t get to go to KD with his buds (b/c we all HAD to be there) and Andy...well as usual, had to deal with an underfunctioning and overreacting ME! the boys...they’re not so good with strangers. we think they wonder if they’ll be taken away. we don’t know...they won’t tell us;) she wondered about their english b/c they wouldn’t answer here. PA..LEASE...
no m’aam...they don’t speak English. Could you speak Amharic in 6 weeks? would you talk to every stranger if you lived in Africa for 6 weeks? OK...don’t get me going. And she kept asking about their medical records and results...like the cooties they had were going to infect her. I thought about letting them drink out of her glass of water about then;) ...oh the assumptions...
OK...maybe we’ve been walking this road a little longer now and it’s 2nd nature. I can’t see the difference. I do know that I’m excited that quickly I have this ‘mommy guard’ for all of my kids. I know it’s a gift from the Lord. I’m not excusing sin or misplaced behaviors, but you try having your life turned upside down and having it put back together in 6 weeks and be able to say: I’D DO IT ALL AGAIN...and maybe we will!? THERE’S A FULLNESS THAT’S FOUND WHEN WE WALK THE CROOKED PATHS...because the next step is all we need to be made straight...the next step has been good. I just lost sight of that on Tuesday.
The Gospel brought me back to the most crooked path ever walked...the one by my perfect Savior for me. It was on the cross that the crooked was and will always be made straight...for eternity!
Don’t miss ya Tuesday, but thanks for walking me to the cross.... I’m comin’!
Psalm 17:5 ESV
My steps have held fast to your paths; my feet have not slipped.
Psalm 23:3 ESV
He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness
OK...for a multitude of reasons, Tuesday was one of those days I never want to go back to. I don’t even know why I’m blogging about it except to say that the Lord pulled me through, showed me the cross and set my feet to dancing on the OTHER SIDE of those 24 hours.
Andy and I often reflect on the ways the Lord has been generous to us on this journey. He continues to make crooked paths straight and give us eyes to see HIM in the midst. I don’t know why, but when we do, we’re glad. The thing is...to see the straight path you often have to REALIZE YOU'RE ON THE CROOKED ONE!! That my friends is my deepest drive every day: to avoid the crooked paths!! They make me squirm, they show me who I really am, they reveal who I’m not and sometimes they cry out shame to me. What the truth I’m learning to see as these crooked paths arise is that the real cry is a call. It’s a call straight from the Father saying: I’m here and I KNOW IT’S CROOKED!! COME!!
I just am like toddlers (or teens) that numb myself to hearing the ‘come’.
One of the favorite things I hear Jacob say all the time is: Mommy, I’m comin’! or Mommy, comin’! (when he means for me to come). it’s the sweetest phrase. It means I KNOW YOU WANT ME and the flip side of it is I KNOW YOU’RE THERE!! The sweetness that brings me that my ‘i’m comin’ thru these weeks has resonated with his soul makes me want to RUN and not stall another minute (not my MO). I want him to believe that a greater one has COME FOR HIM one day. Right now, I can only point to HIM and try to say in my days ‘I’m here’!
Back to the crooked. It’s the same thing. I want to hear Jesus say “I’m comin’’ when I’m lost on my crooked path. But what that takes is knowing I can’t make it ‘straight’. Knowing I don’t have a way to that path. Jacob knows that. He knows He needs me to ‘come’ or needs me to know he’s comin’ (b/c in a kid’s eyes it’s all vice versa too).
So what happened Tuesday? It was our first Home Visit by this new Social Worker. I lost sight of knowing Jesus was ‘comin’ or even already here. I could only see what I fall short in and how my life doesn’t even measure up to my expectations (and then you could add in everyone elses). You know...crooked. Having to meet with a new social worker in the middle of this process was not my idea of a fun way to spend the afternoon. I guess some things don’t change...my rebel heart as Andy says. Why wouldn’t she just send me the million questions and then ask me anything she has a question about on a short and sweet visit to our home? I was missing our SW we were connected with...that helped us get onto this journey. This woman was a stranger asking me everything from their poop schedule to our family dynamics. I though ‘c’mon...you tell me what you want to hear...what are you after here’? I know...all for the sake of protection for our kids, but I wasn’t feeling it. So after the final, let me take a tour around your home (which condemned me even more) I finally said bye and tried to process why I was so upset. It didn’t take long to realize I didn’t want her in our business. Yes Cindy, that’s why she came. To be in your business. But here’s why it bugged me. She can’t do anything but stand and take account of the ins and outs. Write it down, write a report and then do it all again a few more times. There’s no freedom if I’m accountable or reporting to her. But we’re not. I lost sight of that. I forgot my freedom in Christ. I forgot that it’s ok to have crooked paths. I wasn’t going to lie to her, but I felt like I was suppose to have it all together...a very big lie I believed for much of my life. Thankfully, Jesus has showed me more. Not to excuse the waywardness, but to know HE alone can cover it and make it what it needs to be.
It wasn’t a good day for anyone around here. Aliza was worried she was going to take the boys if she said the wrong thing (i learned that later), Kaylee Ann wanted to be alone, Justin was sad he didn’t get to go to KD with his buds (b/c we all HAD to be there) and Andy...well as usual, had to deal with an underfunctioning and overreacting ME! the boys...they’re not so good with strangers. we think they wonder if they’ll be taken away. we don’t know...they won’t tell us;) she wondered about their english b/c they wouldn’t answer here. PA..LEASE...
no m’aam...they don’t speak English. Could you speak Amharic in 6 weeks? would you talk to every stranger if you lived in Africa for 6 weeks? OK...don’t get me going. And she kept asking about their medical records and results...like the cooties they had were going to infect her. I thought about letting them drink out of her glass of water about then;) ...oh the assumptions...
OK...maybe we’ve been walking this road a little longer now and it’s 2nd nature. I can’t see the difference. I do know that I’m excited that quickly I have this ‘mommy guard’ for all of my kids. I know it’s a gift from the Lord. I’m not excusing sin or misplaced behaviors, but you try having your life turned upside down and having it put back together in 6 weeks and be able to say: I’D DO IT ALL AGAIN...and maybe we will!? THERE’S A FULLNESS THAT’S FOUND WHEN WE WALK THE CROOKED PATHS...because the next step is all we need to be made straight...the next step has been good. I just lost sight of that on Tuesday.
The Gospel brought me back to the most crooked path ever walked...the one by my perfect Savior for me. It was on the cross that the crooked was and will always be made straight...for eternity!
Don’t miss ya Tuesday, but thanks for walking me to the cross.... I’m comin’!
Psalm 17:5 ESV
My steps have held fast to your paths; my feet have not slipped.
Psalm 23:3 ESV
He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness
2 comments:
I love your posts Cindy. They are so encouraging.
Just love your post and just want to cry thinking what a blessing your family is to the newest two. I know someday I just have to come to Richmond and give all of you a big hug. Cindy you have grown so much in the Lord and again He has shown us all how faithful He is.
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