So, I’ve pondered (and still am) what to share here. I come back to much of our life right now centering on being a new family of 7. The new is still shaping. I can’t say it’s easy. I can’t say I feel confident or qualified, but I can say, God is doing what He does: making all things new. I have to believe that this was going on before, but not as obvious. I mean I didn’t get to witness 3 and 4 years of life being unfolded in a few months. I am DAILY seeing more things about our boys. I can’t say the rapid fire of growth, learning and adjustment is even describable. I mean maybe for a mom who has a better ‘grip’ around her day and life, I could attempt to describe these days. But I’m not that mom. I’m wrestling with that. I would like to be. Me? I’m just living each moment. I don’t know what else to do. Every time I think I’ve pulled together a new 'get our life together', something happens to put me back on my face (no I didn’t mean knees...I mean FACE).
Let me interject here that there are more moments of JOY in my life than there have been in years. Our family is enJOYing the laughter, excitement and love that is happening. I want to just stay there. That’s what I mentioned before about blogging. THAT’S WHAT I REALLY WANT TO JUST SHOUT OUT ABOUT. But that’s not all of our days. Much else is going on that seems to reveal such sin. That’s where my heart is burdened and living out of. It feels like I’m given a gift then it’s stomped all over. I know that probably sounds harsh, but true.
So lately, I haven’t been so kind with God. I am not taking God at His word. I’m not believing His promises. Frankly, I’m not happy with God’s timetable and the patience He’s requiring of me that most days I’m deciding I can do it better and trying to run my own show. Shocking? I sure hope not. I’m not surprised. Andy named me early on a ‘rebel’. I am. Unfortunately, I like it. I like to be so rebel hearted that I just go right down my ol’ path and act like Jonah. If I don’t see God moving, I forget He’s there. If I don’t hear God (which above the ‘momma, momma’ I can’t even hear myself think), I think He’s stopped leading. If I don’t experience God, I think He’s withdrawn His Spirit.
LIES. But I fall for them. They seem easier to grasp than dealing with my blindness, my deafness, my heartless self.
Well, that’s where I am. It’s a good place today. Thanks to the Spirit in me, I’m aware that I’m believing the lies and confessing my blindness, deafness, and heartless ways. I can’t see past them. I want to. I want to look more like Jesus but frankly think lately I’ve been an offense to Him. I can blame it on many things, but none of them stick. The only thing that sticks is the cross. The cross is where all that blame stays. And the one who took it for me is with me today, escorting me to the Holy of Holies. It’s finished.
For now, I’ll wait for Jesus to even help me with that. I have a friend who I know is aching with such a deep ache (recent death of a child) that it’s sent me spiraling. I want to believe God for her. I told her I would. Every day it’s been hard for me but I can only imagine how hard it is for her. So I enter the throne room regularly on her behalf. There I’ve had to stay. Asking, waiting and longing. But I can’t do that in strength. Sometimes I cry for her there, sometimes I know what to ask. Most times I think I’m in there with her struggling, and you know what? It’s OK. God is glad we’re there, and for those moments, the noise stops and the JOY and DELIGHT He has for us rushes in. Oh for grace to receive it more....for each sin-filled moment of our days and for eternity!
Now take a good look at this visual ...2 littles clinging to their huge, precious balloons (THANK YOU SWEET KIM NEWLEN!!) with no idea that they are constantly 'SMILING' ON THEM. They can let go of these balloons and their smiles. Our dear Lord doesn't depend on our holding the string. He's tied Himself to us with a permanent knot...and sees us thru His Son...and SMILES!!
