Thursday, February 16, 2012

10 years ago we welcomed precious ALIZA!!!

2.6.02 I have great joy in celebrating our precious ALIZA HOPE! You see, this girl was a 'maybe'.  She was the pregnancy that I insisted on after a bitter miscarriage.  You know, the "I need to be pregnant NOW. That miscarriage was too hard to swallow so getting pregnant must be the answer". But our Lord is sovereign over even these wayward moments.  You see, between Kaylee Ann and Aliza, there was the first 'hint' at adoption.  There was the first prodding that I ignored as a 'last resort'.  I don't believe Aliza's conception was outside of God's hand, but it was fraught with surrender.  Surrender that I needed in order to see His heart and hand.

I share a glimpse into my pregnancy with her and her joining us 10 years ago in hopes of reminding MYSELF of my dependency on God.  I NEED to remember those painful moments that I could barely share at the time.  Few people know those precious weeks/months laid me at the feet of Jesus.  I speak lots about our adoption journey and the way we experienced God at the time.  Aliza's 10th birthday is now a chance for me to recall the same way HE was at work then;)  here goes...

It was the time for the BIG ultrasound.  Our family of 4 squeezed into the little ultrasound room.  Proud daddy already had the video tape rolling.  The excited older 2 siblings were biting at the bit as this was a new experience to 'see' inside mommy's tummy.  I was just ready to get a glimpse of this little one and see the older two's faces ;)  Then we heard something we never expected.

"Sir, you'll need to turn off that camera.  Um, you might want to let the children come with me and stay with the nurses, it's ok, they'll be fine." 
There we were, suddenly left alone and no clue what was happening.  We assumed the worst, but had heard the heart beating.  The hug of my husbands arms was a unifying front of 'no, not again'.

I don't know the events of what happened, but we had the head Ultrasound Dr telling us we needed to see our OB NOW.
I heard words, but they meant nothing.
I heard that they could do an amnio (and wanted to) NOW.
I felt my heart stop.
I saw my husband silent and aching with me.
Through all the medical explanations I knew things were NOT OK.

Basically, Aliza had 4 cysts on her brain.  They showed us.  This was characteristic of a trisomy disorder (#?) that would mean she would take 1 breath or a few weeks of breaths worth, but no more.  Her brain wouldn't be able to tell her body what to do.   They needed an amnio to "know for sure" it was this trisomy problem, otherwise, we wouldn't know.
There was a small sentence thrown in there: SOMETIMES THESE HAVE BEEN KNOWN JUST TO DISAPPEAR ON THEIR OWN LATER IN THE PREGNANCY, BUT RARELY.

The amino itself is huge risk at 21-23ish weeks.  I knew I couldn't risk another miscarriage by a choice we needed to make.  We asked if we could wait.  They gave us 24 hours.  We went home, we cried, we prayed and WE KNEW: no amnio because there would be no consideration of what "knowing" offered (basically a medical abortion).

So, we continued to wait and pray.  I think like never before, we experienced HOPE outside of the circumstances.  The hope of Jesus...not in what he COULD or would do, but in HIMSELF.
Hence, Aliza HOPE was 'her name' even though we hadn't determined if this baby was a she;)

Flashforward towards the end of the pregnancy (@36 weeks) where we had a ultrasound.  I had had 2 C-sections so we knew we would have to have her early. Oh I remember that moment.  We stared at the screen.  We know what those white 'cysts' looked like.  For what ever reason they checked all over her tiny body before they checked her brain.  Oh those details didn't seem to matter.  It was SILENT!
THEN, we creep towards zoomed in pictures of her brain and we hear something like:
HOLD ON...
How many cysts were there (at this point we didn't know if more or less she was seeing)
We said: 4
Several techs/drs were there for some reason.
Then one said: SOMEONE'S PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED! THE CYSTS ARE GONE!!
YES! gulp, they were notta, zilch, not there, GONE!! Whoop and hollering ..MIA!!!

We rejoiced cautiously because I guess we just didn't believe they wouldn't come back, even though assured, when this does happen, it's for good with NO residual evidence of the cysts!

Inevitably, when the scheduled Csection time arrived, 10 years ago, we were ready for the final "proof" so to say.  No preparations that she would have difficulty, just the unbelief in my heart.
Not surprisingly, the cries of our infant baby girl were the most delightful sounds to our ears.
From Andy and I: Weeping, heaving, 'and can it be?', praises...Aliza HOPE was born.  I remember asking: is she ok REALLY?!!!!
DOC: YES (mind you all were crying at this point)
ME: REALLY?
THEM: YES!
ME: ARE YOU SURE?
THEM: Here...see for yourself
and they placed that precious 7.7 lb girl in our arms.

The rest is her HOPE-filled story that God ordains....CAN'T.TELL.YOU.WHAT.A.JOY.IT.IS.TO.WATCH.IT.UNFOLD!!!!

She is by far the spunkiest, joyful, wild, caring, fun-loving gal around;)
Aliza HOPE ...you are double digits and we are ARE SO PROUD! Love you girl!!   He certainly has blessed US! God has great things for YOU!!!


We had some fun...
Dad was going to be gone ON her birthday so we celebrated all weekend long;) 
some friends, some fun, some family, some gifts, some lovin';) 
Kaylee Ann and surprised Aliza with a trip to CookOut then to Claire's for GETTING HER EAR'S PIERCED! She was only half excited as the prospect of pain was winning out...


 but SHE DID IT!
 cake pops from Gmomma:) a first!
 the infamous cake 'top'

 everyone got into the action:) (and sampling)
 mom and aliza...isn't it great?
 that's my girl!



 homemade pizzas with friends...
 gifts from her brothers..
double digits, double dimples, double earrings, doubly loved:)  Happy 10th Aliza!

You are MINE...

The usual...which is frankly a thrill ride!  Filled with ups and downs that are so exciting one moment and so daunting the next.  I almost think this parenting gig of TNT (teens ‘n toddlers) might set my body into bipolar mode if it wasn’t for the mercy of GOD!

I don’t write much...and frankly can’t.  I feel like the ‘hard things’ are too revealing for my older kiddos.  I’d like to!  I’d like to tell you about each and every sin and the grace of God imparted (sometimes more than others) on the situation and our hearts.  I’d like to share the ‘you’re not going to believe this’ conversation or happening, but they’re sacred.  They are things for us...our family ...and our Lord to take up. 

I’d like to know if there will be a day to share the ‘other’ things that make up our life.  I long to just be simple in my thinking, but it’s not me.  That leaves me with being able to easily tell about the things that bring delight, but not sharing the things that keep me up at night.  Not because I’m being evasive or trying to paint a prettier picture than reality, but because they’re not airing each others yuk.

I’m thinking I’d like to LEARN to be able to talk about those things.  Before, I felt led to write about things where I saw the ‘full circle’ and some revealing in our lives.  The full circle is somehow happening more in the ‘struggles’ than in the ‘delights’.  I love that I get glimpses of these moments.  They bring me to my knees. It’s holy ground.  I think this verse means more to me now:

Hebrews 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20 where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf.

I often feel I”m behind the curtain, but thankfully, I’m behind the curtain where Jesus has gone before.  I’m quickly reminded that HE has entered FOR me and for my family.  It’s good!!  It’s not alone although private;)  It’s humbling and settling some days and fitful and nerve wracking others.  Regardless, Jesus has gone before me.

Here’s a recent DELIGHT that has profoundly blessed my soul:

Jacob started a bit ago with a statement:
YOU MY MOMMY. 

I thought: AWE...he get’s it and delights in it!  I would eagerly turn to him, hug him and say:
YES, Jacob Yakob, I am your mommy and YOU ARE MY SON!

He’d usually smile really big, hug me tightly and then go about his business. 
Then, it became more frequent:
Jacob: You my mommy.
ME: Yes, Jacob, I’m your mommy.  I love you...
    (thinking: “now go and play...we’ve got this settled” creeping in)
Jacob: smiles and hugs

I’d answer the ‘statement’ with Yes, I’m your mommy interchanged with You’re my SON.

One day to the usual :
Jacob: You my mommy
me: Yes sweetie, I am and I love you!
Jacob: you didn’t say : You’re my son (sad tone).
me: YES, Jacob, You are my SON!!
Jacob: silent
me: I will ALWAYS be your mommy and you will always be my son. 

So, this conversation has gone on for awhile now...especially when we’re out and about ..in the grocery, Costco, Target especially.  I wondered why the frequency when we were out?  Then it hit me.  HE IS PROUD AND WANTS THE WORLD TO KNOW:

YOU MY MOMMY. DADDY MY DADDY. I AM YOUR SON!!

Isn’t it true? 
Don’t we need to ‘say it’ too? 
Over and over God wants to show me :
I am your daddy, you are my child!
Shouldn’t I WANT to tell everyone?
Regardless, I need to say it again and again:

Me: God, you are my father
God: You are my child...and I love you!
Me: Oh yea...that’s right!

I can not hear my boys say it anymore without God nudging me.  I hear HIM too. 

Partly because Jeremiah echoes the same now :
Jeremiah: You ARE my mommy.  I am your SON!
Me: YES INDEED...and forever we are GOD’s children:)
...and sometimes we just sing JESUS LOVES ME...
i’m moved and reminded of simple faith...not the wrap my head around ‘we need to be better’ kind...because Jesus is going to have to do that!

remembering our first hugs when they met their 'mommy and daddy' and we met our 'sons'....
priceless reminder of God's moment he called us HIS..forever! 

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