21 Days....

21 Days...
I’ve finally realized I’m only a ‘verbal processor’ when it comes to matters that require something  I need to decide or do.  Adoption has been little of that for me.  I really like to talk about it, but I don’t have to.  If you know me, THAT’S NOT ME IN MOST OF MY LIFE!! I NEED to talk about most of my life, your life, God, thoughts, etc...it’s just how I think.  I’m trying to channel some of that to writing, but it’s mostly crazy and circular. 

So with 21 days left until our family of 5 leaves for Ethiopia, Africa, I’m speechless.  I’m moved to tears just when I type 21 days...I’m humbled, I’m honored, I’m excited, I’m scared and I’m just amazed at just how cool it is to walk with my Savior.  I haven’t posted anything since all the adoption ‘turmoil’ hit in Ethiopia over the last month (the week after the high of getting our court date).  It’s too raw.  It’s been a place of non-verbal processing...it’s called prayer.  Yes, I’m processing (I have to) but with God. 

I realized as I faced the real potential of our boys getting stuck in an orphanage for their childhood, I knew God would be their God.  What I doubted was if He would be mine. I mean in a sense of fear, tempted to believe the lies the enemy hurls and my deepest insecurities: being wrong; that we’d made a wrong choice; that I didn’t follow him; that the pain of not bringing them home would be too great; that we were too presumptuous; that I couldn’t trust my husband; that I really imagined it all...STOP..do you see? THESE ARE LIES!! And the root of them all...that God really isn’t for ME!! 

At the bottom of my deepest fears is that I’d have to make all things work together for my good...but you know what..I can’t.  I’m a failure at that. I’m glad God doesn’t honor my best attempts.  It seems like smooth sailing would have been a blessing, but I can honestly say, it would have been like having only superficial acquaintances. No true, deep, enduring friendships. It’s easier and can be protective, but it’s EMPTY.  So today I pick up FULLNESS.  Fullness which might mean I have days of aching and longing and other days of sheer joy and complete surrender.  It takes both to appreciate our God. 
No, “appreciate” is shallow...ADORE is the word I’m looking for.  There’s worship in adoration.  So today I will praise.  Today I will ADORE.  Today I will keep counting down to our trip, adoring my Lord and enduring whatever HE sees fit for our journey.  21 days....+ eternity...