Preschool mom: Grade F (fail)

So I’ve put LOADS of prayer and processing into a decision that we made long before the boys arrived.  In fact their names weren’t even the same when we signed them up that the poor teachers had to adjust all their ‘nameplates’ after back to school night.  We made the decision to put the boys in preschool to give me 2 ams with the older 2 who (along with their dad) wanted to be home schooled again this year.  A way to love and meet them.   Adoption isn’t just about the kids being adopted...it’s about our whole family.  So there was the give they would have and the take the others would get. 

So, the boys were just beginning to make it through church worship time in the nursery.  Every time I’d leave to shuttle a kid at night or do anything without them since Andy returned to work, I’d get the cold shoulder and they’d FREEZE.  Stair into space and not be glad when I returned.  I knew we were doomed.  I just kept praying...maybe for the wrong things...but I kept praying.  Mostly that I’d be able to figure out how to balance toddlers and teens in the school world, because of course this wasn’t going to work. 

One of those thoughts of “oh they’ll be fine, kids and preschool = a good mix”...until I had ‘these kids’ under my roof.  I realized there is NOTHING about their last few years that has been sure.   If losing parents and being put in an orphanage to have life and then leaving an orphanage to a strange family across the way is your idea of ‘normal childhood’, then we need to talk.  So that reality was now our new reality.  It wasn’t near as bad as I thought it would be (and might get to), but 2 precious boys who I’ve fallen in love with are the names in this story.  NONFICTION...REAL LIFE.  NO MAKE BELIEVE.  

Enter mom’s anxiety over preschool as being optional (I mean I do have 2 that are home schooled!).  I just knew I should pull them.  I mean..my flesh knew.  It just made sense. Ironically, I’ve learned there’s a different ‘pull’ when it’s from the Lord.  It’s not one of ‘let’s fix this’ as much as ‘let’s walk through this’.  Maybe we walk through and have to pull them or adjust OR maybe we walk through and all is well.  That’s the only clarity I had....to put one foot in front of the other. 

So, this week was the start of SHORTENED days for preschool....ease into it...mom comes early and see! she returns..all is well. 

Well, that’s the way it’s suppose to work.  Here’s how it looked for us.  Now get ready...
Our morning pictures were short and sweet...not many...

Jacob ran off as I was signing him in and consoling Jeremiah from his beginnings of tears.  I find KA and Jacob way off and discover that he was kicking and hitting her (never done) and she was as cool as a cucumber.  Mom wasn’t...why aren’t you getting him? why is he still ‘getting‘ to run off? OH MY>>>>sin in my face..blaming HER.  She was recovering from him.  Not right.  Not justified.  My bad...big time!! Thankfully she knows this Jesus who saves us both and was quick to forgive. 

So, we move on...I pray with them, put them in, tell one teacher she’ll have to hold him and the other that he might be ‘mad’.  And leave.  Done.  We did it.  They were both crying. We go down the hall for something and then we go back to ‘the hallway’ to see if they’ve settled.  I look at KA who saw them first, tears in her eyes she says, “they’re both fine”.  We hug...b/c it’s just what we do...in the midst...we know there’s something big that happened for ‘our boys’.  It’s not what we expected. The entry, yes...that was the expectation. Not settling so quickly.  Thank you Jesus!  They went back 2 more days since and LOVED IT!! The funny thing is, I didn’t know how draining it has been to have them say “momma come/momma ‘x’” every minute.  That is where I see they need to be watched/assured regularly for now.  It’s near impossible.

Ironically, the story’s teachable moment wasn’t there.  It was in the SHORTENED DAY PICK UP!!

phone rings at 11:15am
me (fully in mode to quiz KA vocab as I’m sewing ribbons on Pointe shoes for that afternoon): hello
preschool director (who rocks!): hi cindy, this is casey.
me: oh no...what happened (b/c we have this history of injuries in our family)
casey (laughing): I know you probably forgot about the shorter day ....
me: everything else trailed off.  I think I even hung up on her!! and left. 
I FORGOT TO PICK THEM UP!!!

The whole 5 minutes it took me to get there though, God was so good to me.  I went from spiraling in guilt and inadequacy to a revelation of how I was operating.  I HAD FAILED MY BOYS!!! OF ALL DAYS!! These boys that tried so hard this morning to ‘get with it’ and did!  These boys who have been failed enough.  These boys that I’m trying my best to make feel secure and loved.  FAILED by their new mommy. 

Instantly the Spirit led me to realize how long it took me to learn that with my other children too.  YOU WILL FAIL THEM ...A LOT! When I did, I was able to point them to the one who won’t fail them.  The one and only who never fails or LEAVES US alone. 

Ironically, the boys were HAPPY when I picked them up, HAPPY AND PROUD all afternoon. I was wrong in being late, but I was even more wrong in believing I can be their all in all.  I can’t.  Thankfully the Schwarz family has a God who doesn’t break HIS covenant with HIS children.  That will never fail us;)

It’s ok to laugh...I had to...after a couple tears. 
They were eager to go back today...and I remembered that Jesus wouldn’t fail us... taking each next step with HIM. I felt like I had a preschool gospel moment...