Friday, December 31, 2010

On New Years Resolutions...only God can make a new beginning...

I Want to Live These Days with You: A Year of Daily Devotions

 
 From Now On? 
 
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."  This saying, which is found in a broad variety of lands, does not arise from the brash worldly wisdom of an incorrigible.  It instead reveals deep Christian insight.  At the beginning of a new year, many people have nothing better to do than make a list of bad deeds and resolve from now on-how many such "from-now-ons" have there already been! - to begin with better intentions, but they are still stuck in the middle of their paganism.  They believe that a good intention already means a new beginning: they believe that on their own they can make a new start whenever they want.  but that is an evil illusion: only God can make a new beginning with people whenever God pleases, but not people with God.  Therefore, people cannot make a new beginning at all; they can only pray for one.  Where people are on their own and live by their own devices, there is only the old, the past.  Only where God is can there be a new beginning.  We cannot command God to grant it: we can only pray to God for it.  And we can pray only when we realize that we cannot do anything, that we have reached our limit, that someone else must make that new beginning.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Happy Christmas Eve!!!

It’s Christmas EVE!!! My youngest joins me on the couch in the wee hours this morning and I think, ugh....Jesus I wanted to be with YOU alone.  I trudge on trying to regain focus and the early riser says, “Happy Christmas Eve, Mommy”.  Ahh...be still my heart.  I !! knew it was Christmas Eve (which has it’s own day of celebration in our home), but wanted to get my mind around it before I could say it would be ‘happy’.  It’s still Christmas Eve, mind around it or not, and that does give me reason to rejoice!!!
So she honored my desire to be quiet, and although chose to read Harry Potter instead of opening God’s Word, there was still JOY in her that I was working on obtaining. 

So I pressed in, read all my devotionals I’d lined up for the Advent season and waited.  Waited for that sense that all would be well.  I wanted to wait until I got through my prayers of “needs” and decisions looming.  I wanted to wait until my list got checked and I could see how the day would unfold. I wanted to wait until God pushed through and gave me a clearer picture of why my Advent season had ‘wrestling’ in it.  I wanted to wait for an emotion that stirred me beyond my stuffy head and tired body.  Interestingly, I realized I didn’t have to wait.  Christmas Eve is here, another year, and now it’s time to CELEBRATE what I’ve been ‘waiting’ on. 

I’m learning how much I’d like to withdraw to the fields like the Shepherds and wait for the star to lead me to Jesus each Christmas.   I’d like to not stop at the malls, be frantic over what gifts to get or feel the pull of our ‘excess’ while others lack.  But it’s always there.  Today, I’m glad it’s there.  It’s hard for me to wrestle because something must be out of sorts.  The out of sorts is good though, because it gives me pause.  My ‘high places’ aren’t working for me then.  That’s when I know my God DOES live and came for me.  These few days surrounding Christmas make all the wrestle worthwhile.  I see my need even more for my Savior to be born, live, die and be resurrected.  Advent is characterized by ‘waiting’. Thank you Jesus for teaching me in the waiting that YOU are worth waiting for.  Not just for celebrating Christmas, but for eternity!

Happy Christmas Eve!!! Jesus loves you!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

on parenting...

 profound wisdom on page 157 of N. D. Wilson’s book, Notes from the Tilt-A-Whirl:

The world is rated R, and no one is checking IDs. Do not try to make it G by imagining the shadows away. Do not try to hide your children from the world forever, but do not pretend there is no danger. Train them. Give them sharp eyes and bellies full of laughter. Make them dangerous. Make them yeast, and when they’ve grown, they will pollute the shadows.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Jesus is in the boat...

“Sing with me...
How Great is Our God!!”
I can’t help but to hear that and say..ok ...I don’t always FEEL this truth, but nevertheless it’s truth.  It’s not something I rouse myself to believe as a sort of moment ‘ah-ha’ but a deep, deep satisfying longing ...MET...in singing...How Great is Our God!

We just got back from a vacation..in the truest sense.  A break from everything!  We have been taking missions’ trips for the last 4 years and haven’t really taken vacations apart from going to visit family.  I must say it left me comparing.  I will spare you the details of that comparison (and yes I took notes on that!).  I will say it was good on many levels to just see how we naturally fall (as a family) into ‘vacating’ in many different ways.  Introvert to extrovert, happy to solemn, and even longing to satisfied.  I don’t know what it was for me but it must have begun at the point of thinking the vacation we had ‘sacrificed’ for many years was finally here...can you say EXPECTATIONS??? YES....I began disappointed.  I realized how quickly I let even my vacation be my ‘Savior’.  That’s why I love our mission trip “vacations”.  I’m reminded regularly of my waywardness.  Instead on vacation I forgot how to be me and let everyone else be ‘them’.  I wanted so much more...a family US that wiped out all of the MEs.  The good and bad in that is that God has been so faithful to show us that our family is a  bunch of me that make an US!! I love that God brought me to that even on vacation...but it wasn’t without struggle...in the midst of being OVERfed, OVER served, OVERstimulated...and OVER me.  It was good to draw back into Jesus because I was OVER that indulgence.  What He reminded me was so simple and pure...it wasn’t the OVER...it was the forgetting of who I am and the trying to fit into a vacation and forgetting who I was.  So there I was, sitting in the middle of  the Atlantic Ocean, Ipod blasting after 24 hours of ‘sermons’ and truths and music I wept...mouthing worship (maybe even singing)...forgetting all that was around me.  I am able to be here and not be afraid to let go.  I don’t know why enjoyment comes so hard for me, but I think it’s something along the lines of God’s mercy.  I really can only experience JOY after I’m sitting fully .. OVER-full of Jesus.  It’s an answered prayer that I fight.  To be only satisfied in Jesus.  No wonder the food, the music, the activity all of sudden was beautiful...I forgot the presence of Jesus is necessary for me on vacation. I was quickly thinking I would vacation even from Jesus. I knew he’d be there, but following.  I forgot I was made for following...submitting even...to how great is our God.  I don’t know why I’m so analytical even about vacation, but for now, I’m treasuring it’s how my God made me...and reminds me I can’t even enJOY without his leading!

Note: Cruises are not for the insecure introvert...of which the leader is me.  I like people, but on vacation, I like to vacate...not ‘party on center stage on the Lido deck’.... or even watch them...unless it’s my family then I say...OK>..for them I’ll stop and enJOY;) Thx Jesus for being in the boat with me;) ...and calming the storms of my heart and bringing out the SON!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Pictures....they do say a 1000 words....

When you wait, you ache.  There’s no getting around it. Whatever we wait for there’s a sense of an ache.  Well, we ache as we wait for our boys.  Yes, there are good things in waiting, but right now, it’s just hard to know that they are millions of miles away ...without their family....and we are living each day with plenty.  There’s been such beauty though in the ashes of waiting.  Each day our prayers are growing.  I’m so amazed to be encouraged to hear the cries to our God by our children.  They know and believe (sometimes more than I do...most times!) that our God will meet the needs of orphans ...and ‘our boys’.  When we pray their food will nourish and satisfy, we start appreciating what we’re eating more.  Somehow the ache leads to compassion.  I pray those boys (or any orphans) don’t have to wait 1 more day than necessary for God’s purposes. That said, I do believe the ache of the wait accomplishes much.  We cry out; we ask and we seek what we can’t muster.  Sometimes we’ll have a tear.  I wonder, how can that be...we haven’t even met these boys?!  And then I don’t wonder for long.  It’s not just these boys we’ve fallen in love with...it’s God’s heart.  HE has become clearer to us in this whole process.  Not with 20/20 vision...that’s reserved for glory...but with a clarity that only He can give.  For that, I’m glad we wait. 

So what do pictures have to do with this?  We get pictures of our boys @ 1 month.  It’s like not seeing family in a while and then...ahhh...the hugs.  It’s home.  I cry as I see how they’ve grown.  I shout with praise that they’ve GROWN...they’re getting food!  I ache again...for when I can say...Momma is here...and Jesus has been all along. 
Today was picture day...not school pictures but update pictures...they’re really real...they’re really growing!  So again, the ache turns to prayers of “Jesus...meet them, love them, comfort them...because you can”.  Our God did not leave us as orphans and came to us.  I’m so glad.  For I am no different than our sons...left to myself, nothing...but left in God’s hands, everything! 

A picture is worth 1000 words...but not worth a real hug and kiss...soon boys...have hope! Our God is great!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Interruption or Intervention?


I’ve decided to approach some rambling here...not that anyone is excited about that, but I am. You see, my brain is often FULL and sometimes trying to find the serious point out of what’s rumbling up there is best for me. I’m learning other times it’s just good to ramble. (and yes those are oven mitts my daughter decided to use as slipper socks!)

Here’s what’s rambling right now...I really have a love/hate relationship with homeschooling. I mean ...the hate part is the love part...there’s rarely a mental space break and with that...there’s always some sort of dialogue going on. What’s so great about it is not the “what’s for lunch” and “please clean this UP” dialogue (that’s there too), but it’s the deeper processing of what they’re thinking. The wrestle I constantly have is to stop and listen...just be in the moment that was NOT ON THE SCHEDULE! And let me tell you, I’m not very organized in our days, but I do have a mental list of things I NEED to get done. What I’m realizing (probably b/c I’m unsure what next year will bring for my kids being home still) is that at the end of the day when I close my eyes and thank God for being with us...it’s not in the mental list that I checked off that comes to mind. Those things are tangible ‘I did something’ and do FEEL really good. What comes to mind is the SATISFIED FEELING I have from so many moments in the day...from watching my daughter dancing around happy that she finished her work and ENJOYED some of it along the way to her creating her own recipe for the sub dressing she made and when she presented her recipe for me to use next time I realized the joy she takes in creating, not just getting something done. Today I got to listen to my son’s thoughts on his persuasive essay on “Why a friend should commit their life to Christ”. It was neat to watch him conclude what and why he believed. That was after saying, “I’m so glad I’m studying Economics and actually love understanding how it works” (read into it: i like understanding MONEY). That’s ok:)

So, today I’m glad my kids, including the one in ‘real school’ love learning. It slows me down. It helps me keep that spark alive for constantly growing. For now, I’m reminded learning is good (even when I can’t really say Latin is important to learn 10 years from now...the discipline in it is). So tonight around the dinner table we’ll share some of this ‘learned stuff’ and inquire and share what we’ve seen and learned. It’s not an interruption...it’s really worth taking time to sink our hearts, minds and souls into. God made it that way...so we’d learn and see more of Him.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

It's No Wonder...

It’s no wonder there’s been a silence
One that is NOT filled with inner violence;

It’s one that has come from a time,
Where I’ve heard ‘be still and know that I am God’ chime

Times of struggle, wrestle and repenting;
Wondering why my life isn’t relenting.

Did you hear it? Did you hear me say...
‘my life’...the words that marked my days.

The times of quiet, the season of illness,
Were very good for me to experience the stillness.
For in that stillness I quickly learned,
It isn’t my life, it’s His turn...

It’s His turn to decide,
Now, I’m along for the ride

I’ve prayed, I’ve asked, and even gasped
But still certain and sure
That nearer to God is where I endure.

So many efforts, so much striving,
I even wondered why blessings kept arriving.

I got a glimpse of the delight my Lord sees
When His child is on their knees...
It’s beautiful, it’s strong,
It’s glorifying and never wrong.

So, it’s from this place of weakness I’ve learned to expect
It’s where I’ll be uneasy but ironically where I’ll find rest.
I’ve been there before and I’ll be there again,
But hopefully this time knowing there’s no end...

No end to His mercy, no end to His love
No end to His abundant guidance and covering like a glove.
Our God does not cower, He does not stop;
It’s us that fear and want to give up.

When I get a glimpse of the Lord’s heart
It’s only there I want to be a part.

And without a doubt His heartbeat is near
To the poor, widow and orphan whom He whispers “do not fear”.
He has asked His Church to care for their need,
And we for sure are part of that seed.
One He plants and grows and invites us along,
To see more of Him and less of our own song.

The way we’re moving isn’t just towards adoption
It’s towards His love and plan where there is no option.
One that shows our life is not our own,
But was given to us with seeds to be sown.

Without a doubt we will waiver,
But God’s love will always find favor.
So in faith we move on
To our enlarged ‘tent’ and new song...

The Schwarz 5 is changing to 7
With full glory only to be seen in heaven!

We can’t wait to have you with us Ermias (Jeremiah) and Yakob (Jakob)!
From Ethiopia to Richmond in 2011!!


Official referral was 10/10/10
We await the process to unfold with a trip to Ethiopia expected @Feb and then back 6 weeks later to bring our sons home! Every day we wait is 1 day they are without a family, but not without a God who “will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you”. He meets them...we get to join Him.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Adorned in Full Armor

I can't make sense of it...the whirlwind of confusion
When love abounds but it can seem like an illusion.
Strife, righteousness, control and pride;
Seems that the enemy has just attached beside.

But there's always more we're told in God's word,
From strength for weakness and joy in the morn,
To weary find rest and we will be reborn.

I doubt, I plead, I desire rest
Not from the cares of this world
but from my own heart that is put to the test.
I find I soar one moment and see such a glimpse of my Lord
and so quickly I fall to blindness and doubting he carries a sword.

But a sword you ask? Why would that be so?
There's a real enemy out there who roams to and fro.
He's not mighty, he is so weak,
but my heart and others seem to welcome the language he speaks.

A sword indeed, along with a full set of armor,
adorned and defended against the clamor.
So help me Lord to know how this battle should go,
You already know the way and have victory over this foe.

It's not my strength that can fight
It's not my righteousness that be right
It IS your Spirit that has all the might!

So help to stand on what I know to be true
Less of me Jesus and more of YOU!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Just sometimes...


Just sometimes...

Just sometimes I get a glimpse
of things not being happenstance

They really are a part of God’s greater plan
We just don’t see what’s at His command

Things of beauty all around;
Words, moments and special sounds

God doesn’t want us to think
We’re put here and meant to sink

I often wonder why I seem to miss
The simplicity meant by a sweet kiss

The one that I didn’t get so regularly while my husband or children were away,
but will in a blink seem like a thought that was a ‘in that day’.

I love how good our God can be,
to give us a glimpse of what He can see.

Eyes not tainted
Words not stained
Ears tuned
Minds restrained

Just sometimes I quiver
At what is just a sliver
of what is good and mighty today
But what will remain forever one day.

I don’t have a God of ‘just sometimes’
but one that is good all of the time.
For me it is good to be humbled
That my ranting and raving is just a rumble.

He has plans for us to see
It’s all about Him, it’s not about ME!

When it’s about me I become first
When life’s about Him it’s the reverse.

Thanks Jesus for letting me see
Just sometimes, it’s not all about me:)

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Quest for Identity...


I thought today about how special I felt this Mother’s Day. I don’t always. It really is not a fair day for my family. I want to think for just 1 day that we could all celebrate my motherhood (therefore their childhood and "husbandhood") as it really is designed to be....perfect:-) Not too high of a bar now is it? Today was perfect. In briefly reflecting on why it felt that way to me I realized a couple things. 1) My ‘who am I’ battles of late have been leading me to rest in undone-ness and 2) I’ve realized as a Mom I get to extend grace and forgiveness (over and over) to wonderful children who sometimes outwardly act the way I inwardly feel. The frustration isn’t over their behavior as much as WHY WON’T SIN GO AWAY?...FAR AWAY?!

First on this identity thing. It never ceases to amaze how people are drawn to TV shows. I love as my kids get older watching what and who they identify with...well sometimes. It’s telling is all I’ll say. If I ‘let’ myself watch TV...I’d be no different. I mostly do movies...I need things tied up. I don’t know why but God has led me to see how many ways I strive to put my identity in so many things and people other than who I really am. I know I’m suppose to identify with Christ, but when I don’t see holiness, I think that’s yet another ‘wrong identity’ attempt. For me it looks like picking out the best things in everyone and thing around me and wanting to claim it for myself. It can be in parenting, in marriage, in homeschooling, in work, in ministry...you name it...anything but where I am. Let’s keep this co-sanctification train moving. There’s not going to be any time left to enjoy the ‘identified me’. hmmm...me...that’s what it screams...all ME!

God has mercifully shown me lately how inadequate I am in most of the areas I recounted before. Why do I say ‘mercifully’? Because it has been true all along and I keep jumping from attempt to opportunity to find adequacy...a place where I’m so ME and loving every minute of it. Friends, HE does have that place for us, but not when we are crafting it. The potter’s hands are always working. I just want to be fired up and put out with a purpose that says I’M DONE. At least that’s how I act. When in His mercy He gently shows me this independence and failed self-adequacy, I’m really on the potter’s wheel again and in the sweet spot I was designed to stay. I don’t know that I ever will learn to stop desiring independence and more of ME. I do know God is faithfully showing me how much of HIM that He desires in ME. That’s my true identity and purpose. He isn’t fretting over me but longing and pursuing. Countless verses of Scripture paint this picture for us, it should be so clear and easy. Still, I think the contention doesn’t lie so much in ‘not getting it right’ as much as how far we are from the potter’s wheel and running away from the safe place of dependence and faith.

I’m reminded in John 3 how content John was to realize his place BESIDE Jesus. He didn’t fret over making sure he was adequate...he KNEW the one to come had that job! Jesus also had the FULL MEASURE (read: UNLIMITED) power of God. John knew to DECREASE was inevitable but also GOOD! Today, inadequacy was good. It reminded me that the Spirit is making motherhood (and the rest of my life) have more room for Him. It really is the ONLY identity that will satisfy...in whatever I do and with whomever I love. Thankfully, HE has clothed ME in that identity through Jesus and HE get’s it right every time.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Weakness...Friend or Foe?

Long time no write!!! well...not exactly...lots of writing, but not here. I’ve been busy finishing my M.A. in Counseling. Before I move onto more of everyday life, I have to debrief about the last 2 months. They were ‘hectic’. On top of finishing the last class, we decided to take Foster/Adopt Training classes through Children’s Home Society of VA. UNBELIEVABLE EXPERIENCE!!! Very insightful! More on that another time...a lot more!

So in the midst of the ‘too busy’ for my liking I was blown away. The way the Lord equipped everyone to pitch in and not only support me, but learn new things together was amazing. It’s really no wonder I miss it. I don’t miss classes, I miss how BIG Jesus was for us. I realize a week later that it is not ‘risks’ that draw me in as much as it is my weakness makes room for so much more of the Lord’s strength. We felt like it was ‘doable’ because it was only ‘8 MORE WEEKS!’. Anything for a short time. Now, I stand convicted. Weakness...for only 8 more weeks! Feeling whirled around and aware of my family helping ME....for only 8 more weeks. Letting people down (or at least not meeting what I perceived as such)...for only 8 more weeks. Missing some fun times to head to the library...for only 8 more weeks. You get the point. Weakness = foe.

It has been 2 1/2 years of ‘school’, but before I did my ‘work’ when the kids were in school. Now, I homeschool (read as: no self time). Funny thing is, none of my journey in school was easy. I got sick often (or someone did) and regularly I felt like the Lord was NOT making my paths straight. “C’mon Lord...you’ve called me to this...make a way!” would often be my cry. It took me until my last class to learn the significance of learning to lean on Jesus more than what I learned through books. I have learned a bunch, but it pales in comparison to what I learned about trusting how BIG God is and WHAT HE CAN DO. I ‘know’ this, but living it is very different.

So, as the Lord helped us abide through ...for only 8 more weeks, I REJOICE, but I’m also sad. I’m aware how much I use my ‘difficulties’ to help me press in and abide. I’m learning the sweetness and gift of weakness. I may not wear it well, but there’s a certain sense of JOY in it. I think in some ways, it’s what beckons me to take risks for the Gospel. It’s not me...it’s got to be Jesus. So when we lock our doors and think how ‘protected’ we are, maybe we can realize for tomorrow, it’s just on the outside. Real JOY is found in remaining UNlocked and UNdone, but surrounded with strength and peace from the Spirit. Friends, our God LIVES and I can’t wait to see and hear how he will show Himself tomorrow...not just for 8 more weeks!

2 Cor 12:9: But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Baby it's COLD outside...but HOT inside!!


I find it amusing to monitor the pulse on the ‘impending’ weather as well as the weather as it arrives. I mean the reactions speak volumes to our hearts! Really. Why do we say...NO MORE SNOW! or BRING IT ON!! and even change to the other side once it’s here? I honestly think it gets at the root of our desire to control and for smoothness. Americans are busy people. Being married to a German (who mind you now can be quite diligent at his work) has helped me see this vast difference of staying busy with being still and enjoying. Why? Somehow, Europeans have fun built into their systems. Americans...we have work and accomplishment built in ours. The work hard/play hard is built into Germans every day life. In America, it’s work hard play one day when it’s all done. OK..I’m exaggerating a little. But think about it. Jesus always had time to stop and smell the roses and see the people around him (and his work was NEVER all done). It takes SNOW STORMS and VACATIONS to stop us! I mean we have to stay B-U-S-Y!! And don’t get me wrong...I lead the pack!

But what I’ve learned is how God is good to build in the breaks. He gives us the Sabbath (which we should enJOY!), he gives us seasons that CHANGE and unexpected events (like SNOW when the buzz is Global Warming). He just likes to make sure we can get over ourselves.

Here’s where the rubber meets the road though. Yesterday (Day 1 of snow storm)...full house of creativity, little electronics (if any until evening), much laughter and excitement. One day later, begs for electronics, exhausted from being outside and bickering and snickering that didn’t stop...and as my youngest would say...even on my BIRTHDAY?!!
Yes dear, even on your birthday, we can’t ‘fake it’. How sad. But tonight as I think about it (and prayed), the Lord blessed me. He showed me the gifts in it being COLD outside but HOT (and I mean sometimes teary hot!) inside. Why? Because of RELATIONSHIP!! Yes, you heard me...they aren’t easy. That’s one of the reasons we mom’s scream about no more snow days. They’re hard sometimes. But here’s what I think we miss...they’re HOT because there’s LIFE. Life that God placed in each one of us (and them). Life waiting to be affirmed, redirected and often disciplined. Even my OWN life needed that today. I’m not sure what I’m doing as a parent. Really, I think I’m clueless. I can take everything away from my kids OR reward them with full privilege rights. Neither of those REALLY get at their hearts. They’re the ‘outward sign‘ that all is not well or is well. Frankly, they don’t know yet. I pray for the day they do. Until then, it will be HOT inside, because there’s LIFE in this house! At the end of the day, I’m happy even for the fights. Why? Because there was chance for repentance (verses righteousness), forgiveness, and reconciliation with each other and with the Lord. It also reminds all of us of our NEED for Jesus and our need for him to set it all right ...one day!

I do think we want to avoid this ‘out of control-ness‘ that happens when everything is cancelled and we can juggle our “balls”. On the other hand it should show us the gift of REST and refreshment we need in Jesus, especially when it’s cold outside and HOT inside!

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